Control freaks have had a bad rap. I should know: I am one, just like Kristen Stewart, my sister in arms, who recently revealed – in her signature rockstar drawl – that she’s “like, a total control freak,” on the Smartless podcast, while discussing her desire to direct films instead of act in them. “If I could just design something all the time… I have to hold myself back from being like, ‘This is what everyone should do!’ You know?”
While a desire for control is often seen as an affliction – and it can be – Stewart’s point stayed with me. She attributed her own need for control to being a “rebel rouser” and someone who leads the way, and in doing so she offered a different perspective on what has traditionally been seen as a negative quality. We control freaks are not all uptight, ultra-clean, prim and proper people, we make mess, have ideas and generally don’t do life perfectly. Some of us (me included) even go with the flow sometimes – we just like order in certain areas of our lives.
Isn’t it actually so-called control freaks’ (possibly annoyingly) scrupulous attention to detail that sets a team pitch or project apart from the rest? And aren’t they the kinds of people – often Type A – who push new and exciting ideas into the mainstream? I doubt many of the pioneers, adventurers and change-makers in the history books managed to forge their paths without insisting on being in the driving seat. I’d even hazard a guess that our good friend, William Shakespeare, was a bit of a control freak – by dint of his profession, he certainly enjoyed controlling the narrative.
It’s not just super successful or notable figures in history who have used their desire for control for good; normal, relatively boring people like me (and many of my friends and colleagues) also make use of it. While, personally, it ensures I stay on top of my emails (inbox on zero is always the aim), make speedy renovation decisions (time is money!), and find solace in rigorous list-making, friends of mine say it helps them to maintain a well-balanced workout routine, stay on top of their WhatsApps (never easy), or be an A-grade organiser of social occasions.
All that being said, letting go of control is a task that wellness influencers on Instagram would have me believe leads to eternal happiness, but are they correct? I asked Jodie Cariss, a therapist and founder of high-street therapy service, Self Space, what she thinks.
“The term is often used in a detrimental way,” she agrees. “But really, what being a control freak means is that we try to control the outside world, people, events, ourselves, aspects of our lives in a way that might seem different. Where we don’t feel we have mastery or control over our inner feelings, we often try to express it via things we can, whether that’s how tidy the house is or how much you eat.”
The issue really lies in the name itself – because does doing things properly, being organised and staying on top of things really make you a freak? “I don’t think so – it means we prefer order and find it enhances our life,” says Cariss. “But if we feel that behaviour is being driven by inner distress and a lack of control over other aspects of our lives or our feelings, then yes maybe ‘control freak’ is the term. That’s where it becomes something that isn’t aspirational – healthy balance is the way forward.”
Control is definitely not always a good thing, as Elizabeth Gilbert – the author of Eat, Pray, Love – acknowledged on Instagram a few years ago. In a photo of her notebook, the words on the page read: “You are afraid of surrender because you don’t want to lose control. But you never had control; all you had was anxiety.” Feeling in control can often equate to feeling safe – and I undoubtedly tighten my grip on the things I like to control during times of stress, uncertainty or upheaval.
The trick is to recognise when your desire for control starts to control you. “When you fail to control things or make a mistake, does it prompt you to beat yourself up or be mean to yourself?” asks Cariss. “The questions to ask are: how does it feel, and how is it impacting your life? Are you afraid of letting things go and being vulnerable? Or is your need for control a mechanism to hold it all together? I always encourage clients to explore the opposite of what they find comes naturally. If it’s control, then try and inhabit the other pole for a bit, which might be messiness in all contexts of your life, and see how it feels. From there, you can find a middle ground.”
Obviously, the topic of coercive control and abuse is a much larger one – when it impacts other people, there’s no doubt that it’s unacceptable. But for us soft control freaks, it’s all about leaning into the positive elements of control. Instead of lambasting ourselves for being a little finicky, let’s see the good in it – because what is the world without people and their little, occasionally annoying idiosyncrasies?